3 AM. I wake up. Upset with something I didn’t do.
A Facebook friend’s dog died. I didn’t pass on this information to a mutual friend who doesn’t frequent Facebook.
In the past, I had related some of her adventures.
Why not this loss?
The thoughts that arose in the middle of the night. (I have learned to pay attention to the intuitions that come in the night):
I was 7 years old when we left Finland and emigrated to Canada. We left behind a dog, Jerry.
My brother, who is 6 years older, remembers that event very well. He brought it up in conversation this past weekend.
Not only did I not remember the dog’s name, the only reason I know we even had a dog, was because mom and my brother have talked about him.
I suspect it had a traumatic effect on me. I must have loved the dog very much.
I think I have put pets at an emotional distance because of that trauma of leaving Jerry. I must have wiped any conscious memory of leaving Jerry behind.
That emotional distance perhaps caused me to disengage from the pain of my Facebook friend losing her dog.
Even as I write this, I can feel the emotion rising.
What comes up here is to forgive myself for creating this emotional distance. To truly forgive and love myself.
I am working on opening up to feeling more, as painful as it can be.
Releasing is the work.
Meditation. Awareness. Breathing. Exercise. Laughter Yoga.
Are my issues around loss connected to this loss of a childhood friend, Jerry?
Are my abandonment issues connected to me abandoning our dog?
As a 7-year-old, I had no choice. Is lack of control in my life connected to loss and abandonment issues?
Do we wipe out memory and connection to our deeper traumas? That may be a mechanism to cope with deep trauma.
How to bring closure?
Meditating and asking for forgiveness for abandoning him?
These are the questions I focus on today.
Thank you for listening.
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